As anyone in customer service knows, being the recipient of mean-spirited or just plain angry behavior day in and day out can take its toll. If you don't develop effective skills for managing your emotional state despite such treatment, you're likely to develop the "rhino hide" and "you've obviously confused me with someone who cares" attitude that burnt out CS people develop as a protective device.

While some people seem to naturally not take things personally, I think for most of us, it takes serious work. Here are some suggestions extracted from some of my seminar handouts...

Four Perspectives That Help You Not Take It Personally When A Customer Is Rude or Difficult

Compassion – The more compassion we feel for someone who is upset or being difficult, the less likely we are to engage in the three primary ways we let people affect us:

1. Taking their behavior personally.

2. Judging them (e.g. “They shouldn’t be that way!” “What a jerk!”).

3. Self-righteous outrage. (e.g. “How dare they act that way!” “How dare they talk to me that way!”)

Responding with compassion allows us to maintain our composure and respond in a mature, kindly way. An example many people can relate to is if they have children and remember what it was like when their baby cried in the night. Even if it wasn’t enjoyable to get up, they felt compassion for their baby. They didn’t think “Why are they acting this way! How dare they?” Thus, one of the ways of keeping our cool despite someone’s difficult behavior is to cultivate greater compassion. You can do this by:

1. Reminding yourself how upset and even difficult you’ve been – or at least been perceived as being. Keep in mind that good people go over the edge at times.
2. Thinking of someone you know, or know of, who personifies compassion, even toward difficult or seemingly undeserving people, and asking yourself how they would respond.
3. Recalling someone you love and have deep compassion for and ask how you would want someone to treat them in this situation.

You as Role Model– Many people have never had healthy role models for expressing anger and unhappiness, or for getting what they want. By watching other unhealthy people act out, they develop behaviors that get them what they want – at times – but at a steep price. If you sincerely want to be a force for good in the world, recognize that you can bring more good in the world by trying to bring forth your most mature, evolved, compassionate self in each interaction.

Thus, when someone acts inappropriately, without seeing yourself or acting “better than,” recognize that you can role model new and improved ways of behaving. Although you can’t control whether they choose to learn from you, you can provide an opportunity. By seeing yourself in this role, you have a better chance of not taking their behavior personally and calling forth a more productive response in yourself.

Professional Detachment – This can be a bit tricky as you don’t want to respond with cold detachment. Not only is cold detachment not the kind of customer service you want to provide, it can also trigger even more outrageous behavior, because the person feels you’re not taking their problem seriously. Instead, you want to maintain enough professional distance where you feel like a professional handling someone in distress, not an individual person being emotionally beat up by another individual.

Here is a simple technique for feeling more detached:

See the person as a baby having a tantrum. When people get so stressed that they start acting irrationally, in many ways they have age regressed to a child-like state. They’re unable to think rationally and they’re likely to have temper tantrums. You could also picture them as temporarily psychologically disturbed. If someone had a psychiatric condition and accused you of putting thoughts in their mind or trying to kill them, you wouldn’t feel offended and try to stick up for yourself. You would realize they had serious psychological problems and would therefore maintain your professional detachment. By picturing a caller either as the baby having the tantrum or the psychiatric patient, you can achieve some professional detachment and not feel as threatened or as judgmental.

Bemused Detachment – This can be even trickier, and should only be used in situations where you’re unable to get to compassion or professional detachment. You don’t want to feel disinterested in the other person or come across as flippant, but… if you’re finding it so hard to deal with a very difficult person and the choice is between bemused detachment and becoming angry and combative yourself… bemused detachment is a better choice. Here’s a suggestion for cultivating this when dealing with difficult people over the telephone: Cut out a cartoon character, or a humorous picture of a person from a magazine and put it near your computer. When someone is being so difficult you’re finding yourself becoming antagonistic or overwhelmed, look at that picture and pretend you are talking to that cartoon character or funny looking person. If you’re dealing with someone face to face, picture them in a diaper or using some other non-threatening, humorous imagery.

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