One of my clients exchanged a very funny story with me today. I list the following e mail quote I received this a.m.:

"And I may have to share your Ocean Omega Fish Oil with my neighbor since her
Standard Poodle, Jones, who is a NEADS dog, and an active youngster came in the other day, got the plastic jug of Ocean Omega Fish Oil
out of my kitchen cupboard and started to run off through the
house!!!! FORTUNATELY I caught him before fish oil flew!!! I think
he's trying to tell us something, don't you?"

Thanks so much to Betti & Rog Curran for sharing this story with us.

Join them as our next OO clients to enroll in our Auto Ship Program

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GUARD PARROT

A postal carrier is working on a new beat. He comes to a garden gate marked BEWARE OF THE PARROT! He looks down the garden and, sure enough, there's a parrot sitting on its perch. He has a little chuckle to himself at the sign and the parrot there on its perch. The mailman opens the gate and walks into the garden. He gets as far as the parrot's perch, when suddenly, it calls out: "REX, ATTACK!"

Polynesia: Memory loss in parrots.

Chirpes: A canarial disease...no tweetment.

MAMA'S GIFTS

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

The third said "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her thank you notes.

"She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

POLITICAL PARROT

Before the collapse of communism, this Russian guy loses his pet parrot. He looks everywhere, all around the neighborhood, in the park, everywhere. He can't find the parrot. Finally he goes around to the KGB office, and tells the desk officer his problem. The officer is a little puzzled. "Look, comrade, I'm sorry you lost your bird, but this is the KGB. We don't handle missing animal reports." "Oh, I know that", says the guy. "I just wanted you to know, if you do find my parrot... I don't know where he could have picked up all his political ideas."

GOING, GOING, GONE!

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the fine bird was finally his! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!" "Don't worry", said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

BRUTUS

Mrs. Broomfield's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman. He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment,and since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Rottweiler. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!" When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Broomfield's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen. But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant squawking and talking. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled: "Shut up, you stupid bird!" To which the parrot replied: "Get him, Brutus!"

COURTEOUS PARROT

A lady is walking down the street to work and sees a parrot in a pet store. She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot upon seeing her says, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now. The next day on the way to work she saw the same parrot and once again it said, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so furious that she stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store and have the bird killed. The store manager apologized profusely and promised the bird wouldn't say it again. The next day, when the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady." She paused, scowled with an icy and deadly stare, and said with a hoarse voice, "Yes?" The bird, strutting back and forth on its perch in a cocky manner, said, "You know."

THE PARROT AUCTION

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!" "Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

CHEAP ENTERTAINMENT

A man went into a bar and said to the bartender, "If you give me free drinks all night, I will entertain your customers so much they will stay all night and drink lots and lots." "Oh yes," says the bartender. "How are you going to do that?" The man gets a hamster out of his pocket and puts it on the piano. The hamster runs up and down the keyboard playing the greatest piano music anyone had ever heard. "That's incredible!" says the bartender. "Have you got anything else?" The man gets a parrot out of his other pocket and puts it on the bar. The hamster begins to play the piano again and the parrot sings along - sounding just like Pavarotti. Everyone in the bar is amazed and stayed all night drinking and listening to the hamster and parrot. The bartender is delighted. "I must have these animals. Will you sell them to me?" he asks. The man shook his head no. "Will you sell just one then?" asks the bartender. "OK, I'll sell you the parrot for $100" the man says. The bartender is delighted and hands over the money. Another man standing next to the man who owned the hamster said, "You're a bit stupid selling that clever parrot for only $100". "No I'm not," the man replied. "The hamster is a ventriloquist"!!!

SPEEDING DRUNK

A drunk is driving with his parrot through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?" "I've been to the pub," slurs the parrot and the drunk smiles. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few." "He did all right," the parrot says and the drunk smiles. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the parrot. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

MERGER ANNOUNCEMENT

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler: New company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.

GOOD CANARY SINGER

A short elderly woman burst into a pet store. "I want to buy a canary, but it's got to be a good singer! I've got good, hard US cash, but I'm only paying for a good singer."

The shop owner began moving a ladder towards a small cage on a shelf about fifteen feet up, near the ceiling of the store. "Ma'am, I've been in this business for forty years and the best singer I've ever heard is in that cage."

"Don't think I'm gonna feel obligated to pay for something I don't want just because you're climbing up a ladder like a monkey. I want a canary, but it's got to be a singer."

By this point, the shop keeper was coming down the ladder. "Ma'am, this bird is a veritable feathered Caruso!" He placed the cage on the counter and the bird burst into melody after melody.

Awed, the woman murmured, "Why, he is a good singer." Suddenly she screamed, "Hey, this bird's only got one leg!"

The pet store owner was unperturbed. "Lady, what do you want, a singer or a dancer?"

PET SHOP PARROTS

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500."

"Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the customer. The owner says "Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research."

The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case.

Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner."

THE AIRLINES

This guy is in a plane when he feels thirsty. He calls the stewardess and asks her politely for a Large Whiskey.There's a parrot in the seat next to him, who snaps,"A double Scotch and make it quick". "Yes ,sir"the stewardess says, and quickly gets the bird his drink - but ignores the guy. The parrot downs his in one gulp, and says "gimme another". The stewardess gets him a second drink, ignoring the guy again. The guy, meanwhile has been asking for his drink very politely. He decides to use the parrot's tactics and snarls at the stewardess,"You @#*$# hag, get me my bloody Scotch!". Suddenly a large co-pilot comes out of the cockpit and ejects both the guy and the parrot off the plane.

As they're falling, the parrot turns to the guy and says "You know, you're quite brave for someone who can't fly...".

EXPENSIVE PARROTS

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says: "the parrot on the left costs $500". "Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the man. The owner says, "Well the parrot knows how to use a computer".

The man then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs $2,000. Needless to say, this begs the question "What can it do?", to which the owner replies, "To be honest, I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!".

SPIRITUAL (?) PARROT

A burglar sneaks in a dark bar...(after hours) and goes right to the cash register. A voice calls out, "GOD IS WATCHING YOU". He looks all around and sees nothing so returns to jimmying the cash drawer. Again, the voice says, "GOD IS WATCHING YOU". The burglar looks around and finally sees a parrot in a cage and says, "Oh, Hi Polly. You startled me." "Hey" said the parrot. "My name ain't Polly. It's John the Baptist." The burglar snorted, "Who in the world named you John the Baptist?". Parrot says, "The same guy who named that Rottweiler over there GOD!"

FRIGID PARROT

So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor - I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for 5 minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's fowl mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!". But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you!" and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets_very_quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.".

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, pardon me for asking, but what did the chicken do?".

MAGICIAN AND THE PARROT

There was once a magician on a cruise ship who performed mainly sleight of hand tricks. He had a regular spot on the ship's cabaret evening entertainment. He was actually quite a good magician, but his routines were regularly ruined by the onboard parrot who would fly around squawking out and giving away his secrets like:

"IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE, IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE!"or

"IT'S IN HIS POCKET, IT'S IN HIS POCKET!"or

"IT'S IN HIS MOUTH, IT'S IN HIS MOUTH!"

The magician was getting pretty sick of this and threatened to kill the parrot if it ruined his act one more time. That evening right at the climax of his act, just as he was about to disappear in a puff of smoke, the ship hit an iceberg and sank in seconds.

Amazingly, the magician and the parrot were the only two survivors. The magician was lying on a piece of driftwood in a daze. As he opened his eyes he could see the parrot staring at him out of its beady little eye.

The parrot sat there for hours just staring at him and eventually said, "OK, I give up, what did you do with the ship?"

This bear walks into a bar. Then he sits down and orders a beer.
The bartender, amazed that this bear can actually talk, gives him a beer.

The bear says, "What do I owe you?"

The bartender stops and thinks for a moment.

"Even though this bear is smart," thinks the bartender, "he probably hasn’t been in many bars."

So the bartender says, "That'll be ten dollars."

The bear forks over the money and starts drinking his beer.

After a few minutes, the bartender can't restrain his curiosity, so he walks back over to the bear and tries to strike up a conversation.

"You know, we don't get many bears in this bar."

The bear looks up from his beer and says, "Well, at ten bucks a beer, I'm not surprised."

Two hunters from Moscow charter a small plane to fly them to Siberia to go bear hunting.
On landing, the pilot says, "Remember, this plane can only fly with two hunters, one pilot, and ONE bear."

The hunters go out and return with two bears.

So the pilot says, "I told you ONE bear!"

But the hunters point out that the previous year, on payment of an extra 100 rubles, the pilot had let them put two bears on board. After long discussion centering on the impossibility of the thing and the disgraceful degree of inflation, the pilot takes 200 rubles and with much pushing and shoving the hunters get aboard with the two bears.

After struggling into the air and fitfully flying for about two hours, the plane gives up and plummets to the earth in a snowbank.

Climbing out from under the snow and the bears, the hunters ask the pilot where he thinks they are.

The pilot says, "About the same place we crashed last year."

What do you call an unemployed goat?
Billy Idol.

What do you call a goat at sea?
Billy Ocean.

What do you call an outlaw goat?
Billy the kid.

What do you call a goat that lip syncs?
Billy-Vanilli.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Still Another Goat Joke :
The Deep Hole

Two guys are walking down a road when they come across a deep hole beside it. Being curious, they go over and check it out. When they look down, they are surprised to find they can't see the bottom. So they drop a couple of rocks down the hole and listen... Nothing. One of them says, "Man, that's a deep hole!"
Thinking they might hear something larger hit the bottom, they find a big, old cinder block and pitch it over the side. The pause and listen intently... They hear a sound, but it is coming from behind them! They quickly turn around to see a goat bearing down on them with it head lowered, flying along, its feet barely touching the ground, its moving so fast!
The two men dive out of its way just in time and the goat plunges past them, into the seemingly bottomless hole, to its doom. The two look at each other and say, "Boy that was close! We'd better get away from this thing before we end up with the goat!".
So they continue on their way down the road until they happen across this farmer working near it. The men again put their heads together and figure that the goat belongs to the farmer and the decide to tell him what happened.

"Hey Mr. Farmer. Do you happen to own a goat?", one of the men asked.
The farmer replies, "Yeah, why do you ask?"
The men then tell what happened at the hole and how they narrowly avoided death in the hole from the speeding goat.
The farmer said, "Well boys, I don't think that was my goat. You see, my goat is really old and crippled up with arthritis. There is no way he could have been moving that fast. Besides, I have him tied to a big, old cinder block."

NEW YORK YANKEES TO BOSTON RED SOX CONVERSION FORM

Thank you for your interest in becoming a member of Red Sox Nation.

Due to an unprecedented volume of requests, we are currently processing only fan conversion registrations for New York Yankee fans. Conversion requests from other teams will be accepted once all Yankee requests are

processed. We expect this to take a number of weeks based upon the

current backlog of requests.

Please take a few moments to fill out the conversion form below to help us get to know you better and prescribe any required counseling to recover from your previous fan experience.

Name:_______________________________

Address:______________________________

Who's Your Daddy:____________________

1. Please select your favorite recent Yankee new player acquisition:

[ } Roger Clemens $20 million, six wins, one groin pull [ ] Alex Rodriquez $92 million, no title, Ha!

[ ] Derek Jeter $123 million since last won World Series [ ] Jason Giambi $91 million, no title, lots of roid sweat [ ] Carl Pavano $27 million, five wins

2. . Which of the following would you most like to see as the most played YES Network "Great Moments in Yankee History" film clip in 2008:

[ ] Rivera's "shocking" blown save in Game 4, 2004 [ ] Rivera's "shocking" blown save in Game 5, 2004 [ ] The awesome wild card clincher celebration [ ] Wang getting hammered in Game 1 [ ] Wang getting hammered in Game 2 [ ] Jeter's first GIDP [ ] Jeter's second GIDP [ ] Jeter's third GIDP

3. Please indicate the last book you read:

[ ] Someday, in my lifetime, the Yankees will get to the LCS [ ] Suicide Hotline - It's not just for Cubs' fans anymore [ ] The Heimlich Maneuver -- What to do when choking

4. Which recent Yankees personnel move did you enjoy most:

[ ] Not winning the posting for Matsuzaka [ ] Winning the posting for Kei Igawa

5. Which following designation best describes Derek Jeter's performance in this year's ALDS:

[ ] Captain Intangibles

[ ] Captain GIDP

[ ] Captain & Tennille

6. Please choose your favorite movie:

[ ] Anger Management

[ ] Hunt for Red October

[ ] Damned Yankees

[ ] Still We Believe

7. Finish this sentence: "Alex Rodriquez is:

a. overrated

b. overpaid

c. overdue

d. overly prissy

e. over

8. Select the most vociferous, stupid, and annoying Yankee fan:

[ ] Washed up "comic" hack and Yanks personal ballwasher Billy Crystal [ ] Front-running celebrity phony Jack Nicholson [ ] Tim McCarver

9 . Are you ready to admit that:

a. Ted Williams was better than Joe DiMaggio?

b. Carlton Fisk was better than Thurman Munson?

c. Even Manny Ramirez is faster than Bernie Williams?

d. Reggie Jackson was a better outfielder than Matsui?

e. Derek Jeter has less range than a kumquat?

f. No self-respecting parasite would invade Jason Giambi?

10. Please indicate your favorite moments in Yankee history: (Check all that apply):

[ ] Alex Rodriquez is traded to the Yankees [ ] Don Mattingly never wins a World Series [ ] The Yankees let Clemens get away [ ] The Yankees get Clemens back [ ] Giambi's steroid abuse causes his body to collapse like a screen door in a hurricane.

[ ] The bugs eat Joba

11. Have you experienced any of the following after the embarrassing four game collapse? (Check all that apply)

[ ] Headache

[ ] Uncontrolled Anger

[ ] Heartache

[ ] Holes punched in doors or walls

[ ] Nausea

[ ] Smashed TV screens

[ ] Depression and Broken Dreams

[ ] Avoided Red Sox fans for days or weeks

Once you have completed this form, please forward it to Fenway Park. Then burn all your remaining Yankee clothing, memorabilia, and associated reminders.

After reviewing your request, Red Sox Nation will contact you with notification of acceptance or rejection.

I hereby acknowledge that the real "curse" is being a Yankee Fan.

I hereby renounce the New York Yankees for all eternity on this the______ day of________________, 200__

__________________________________

Name:

_________________________

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A: Holes all over Australia.

Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.

Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: Chicken's day off.

Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments.

Q: Why do elephants drink so much?
A: To try to forget.

Q: How can you tell if an elephant is getting ready to charge?
A: He pull out his Diners' Club card.

Q: What do you get when two giraffes collide?
A: A giraffic jam.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To show the armadillo that it was possible.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from Colonel Sanders!

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
A: Because it was a double-crosser.

Q: Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road?
A: To take over the other side.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the beach?
A: To get to the other tide.

Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Chickens hadn't evolved yet.
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a
beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class.
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a
beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class.A frog
telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a
beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class.A frog
telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a
beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class.

New Dog Cross Breeds
-- Did you hear about the new dog cross-breeds?
They crossed a Collie and a Lhasa Apso. The new breed is a Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.

They crossed a Spitz and a Chow-Chow. The new breed is a Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot.

They crossed a Pointer and a Setter. The new breed is a Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.

They crossed a Great Pyrenees and a Dachshund. The new breed is a Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.

They crossed a Pekingese and a Lhasa Apso. The new breed is Peekasso, an abstract dog.

They crossed a Irish Water Spaniel and a English Springer Spaniel. The new breed is a Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean.

They crossed a Labrador Retriever and a Curly Coated Retriever. The new breed is a Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of laboratory researchers.

They crossed a Newfoundland and a Basset Hound. The new breed is a Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

They crossed a Bloodhound and a Labrador. The new breed is a Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.

They crossed a Malamute and a Pointer. The new breed is a Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't really matter.

They crossed a Collie and a Malamute. The new breed is a Commute, a dog that travels to work.

They crossed a Deerhound and a Terrier. The new breed is a Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.

They crossed a Bull Terrier and a ShihTzu. The new breed is a uhh, I'll get back to you on that.....

Horse Jokes

Q) What animal has more "hands" than feet?

A) Why, a horse, of course!
*****

Q) What is the best type of story to tell a runaway horse?

A) A tale of WHOA!

*****

Q) How long should a horse's legs be?

A) Long enough to reach the ground.

*****

Q) When do vampires like horse racing?

A) When it's neck and neck.

*****

Where do horses stay in a hotel?

In the bridle suite.

*****

What did the waiter say to the horse?

I can't take your order. That's not my stable.

*****

What's the quickest way to mail a little horse?

Use the Pony Express.

*****

Then there was the horse trainer who told riders that the hardest part about learning to ride was the ground.

*****

I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. The other day I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Walmart manager came and unplugged it. Thank Goodness for heroes!

*****

... Then, of course, there are horses with six legs. Those that are being ridden.

*****

How does a horse from Kentucky greet another horse?

With Southern Hospitality!

*****

There was a famous jockey that never lost a race. When asked how he achieved this, he replied, I whisper in the horse's ear: Roses are red, violets are blue. Horses that lose are made into glue.

*****

A cowboy goes into a bar, has a beer, walks outside and finds his horse has been stolen. He walks back into the bar, fires his gun through the ceiling. "Which one of you mothers stole my hoss?" he yells. No one answers. "All right, I’m gonna have one more beer and if my hoss ain’t outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas." He drinks another beer, walks outside, and his horse is back. So he gets on it and gets ready to ride out of town. The bartender walks out of the bar and asks, "Say pardner, what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turns to him, and says, "I had to bloody walk home."

*****

Q) What does it mean if you find a horse shoe?

A) Some poor horse is walking around in his socks.

*****

Q) What did one horse say to the other horse?

A) The pace is familiar but I can't remember the mane.

*****

Q) What are the only animals to sleep with their shoes on?

A) A horse, of course!

*****

How many horses have three legs?

They all do!

*****

Q) What breeds of horses can jump higher than a house?

A) All breeds. Houses don't jump.

*****

Q) A man rode into town on June 3rd, stayed a week, and rode out on June 3rd. How is this possible?

A) His horse's name was June 3rd.

*****

Q) How do you make a small fortune in the horse industry?

A) Start with a large fortune.

*****

An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny. The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper. Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Benny didn't move. Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." Still, Benny didn't move. Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Benny just stood. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny, pull." Benny pulled the car out of the ditch. The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try."

I wanted to list A VERY CUTE EXPOSE that I received from one of my Ocean Omega Clients regarding an amazing interaction with a polar bear and some sled dogs, however I couldn't get the pictures to load into this blog. PLEASE feel free to e mail me, and I will send you an e mail with attachments. You have to see this to believe it!

Heres' some sled dog jokes for your enjoyment:

Q: Why did the hunter name his sled dog Frost?
A: Because Frost bites!

Q: How can you tell if you have a stupid sled dog?
A: It chases parked snowmobiles!

Q: What did the sled dogs say when their pizza was delivered?
A: "Arctic hare, lemmings... Hey! Didn't we order puffins on this thing?" (And what about the mutts-erella cheese?)

Q: What did the hunter say when the polar bear ate his sled dog?
A: "Well, doggone!"

Q: What do sled dogs say before telling you a joke?
A: "This one will sleigh you!"

Q: Why did the sled dog cross the snow softly?
A: Because it just got hit by a snowmobile and couldn't walk hardly.

Q: What is the difference between Santa Claus and a warm sled dog?
A: Santa wears a whole suit - a dog just pants!

Q: What did the vet say to the musher who brought in a sled dog with caribou steak on its head, seal meat stuffed up its nose, and lemmings stuck in its ears?
A: "Your dog isn't eating right."

Q: Why did the sled dog in the Iditarod race wear little booties?
A: Because its kamiks were being repaired!

Q: What is worse than a sled dog howling at the moon?
A: A whole team of sled dogs howling at the moon!

Q: What do you get if you cross a sled dog and a cheetah?
A: A dog that chases snowmobiles - and catches them!

Q: What do you do if your sled dogs won't run?
A: Get the AHA (Arctic Husky Association) to make an emergency service call.

Q: What do you do when you park your sled in very cold weather?
A: Plug in your dogs.

Q: What is the difference between a sled dog and a mailbox?
A: You don't know? No wonder we're not getting any mail from the Arctic!

Q: What kind of dog sniffs out new flowers on the tundra?
A: A bud hound!

Q: What would you get if you crossed a puffin with a sled dog?
A: A dog that lays pooched eggs!

Q: What time is it when ten sled dogs are chasing a polar bear across the ice?
A: Ten after one.

Q: What does a sled dog that was an Iditarod competitor become after it is ten years old?
A: Eleven years old.

Q: What did the sled dog take when it was run down?
A: The description of the snowmobile that hit it!

LINKS: MORE
INFORMATION
ABOUT
SLED DOGS
Q: How long are a sled dog's legs?
A: All the way down to the snow. (Or maybe... four feet?)

Q: Where are sled dogs trained?
A: In the mush-room!

Q: What is a sled dog's favorite sport?
A: Formula 1 drooling!

Q: Why did the sled dog bite the man's ankle?
A: Because it was a short dog and couldn't reach any higher!

Q: Why do sled dogs bury their bones in the ground?
A: Well, doesn't everybody put their leftover food in the refrigerator? (Permafrost is a handy thing, y'know.)

Q: Why do sled dogs bury their bones in the ground?
A: Because they can't put them in the trees!

Q: Why is it called a "litter" of puppies?
A: Because they mess up the whole igloo!

Q: What do you call a litter of young dogs that have come in out of the snow?
A: Slush puppies!

Q: How did the sled dog make antifreeze?
A: It ran off with her blanket!

Q: Where should you leave your dog team and sled?
A: At the barking lot!

Q: How is a sled dog like your nose on a cold day?
A: They both run!

Q: Where do sled dogs go when they've lost their tails?
A: A retail store.

Q: Ten sled dogs shared one umbrella, yet none got wet. Why?
A: It wasn't raining. (There's no drownpour here - the Arctic is a desert.)

Q: What do you call a sled dog with no legs?
A: It doesn't matter what you call it, it still won't run!

Q: How many legs to sled dogs have?
A: Six. Forelegs at the front and two at the back!

Q: If your sled dog fell through a hole in the ice, what is the first thing it would do?
A: Get wet!

Q: How many hairs are in a sled dog's tail?
A: None. They're all on the outside.

Q: What did the sled dog with a limp say after it finally tracked down and cornered the hunter?
A: "You're the #&%@!#%* that shot my paw!"

Q: Why did the sled dog run in circles?
A: It was the watchdog and needed winding.

Q: How do you make a slow sled dog fast?
A: Don't feed it!

Q: Why aren't sled dogs good dancers?
A: Because they have two left feet!

Q: What did one sled dog say to the other while leaving the party in the igloo?
A: "That was one of the best parties we've ever been to... and then you had to go and do that on the floor!"

Q: Why is a sled dog like an apple?
A: They're both red, um - except for the sled dog. (Editor's note: How did this stupid joke get in here?)

Q: How can you tell if you have a stupid sled dog?
A: There's a long pause after "Bow" while it tries to remember "Wow".

Q: How can you tell if you have a stupid sled dog?
A: Buries its tail - wags its bones!

Q: How can you tell if you have a stupid sled dog?
A: When you give it that canned food from down south - it just eats the meat-by-products part!

Q: What's a sign that your sled dog may not be an Iditarod winner?
A: The toupee on its back keeps falling off.

Q: What's a sign that your sled dog may not be an Iditarod winner?
A: It's made by Sony.

Q: What's a sign that your sled dog may not be an Iditarod winner?
A: Its collar doubles as its medic alert bracelet.

Q: What's a sign that your sled dog may not like you?
A: You catch it gnawing on your snowmobile's brake line.

Q: What's a sign that your sled dog may not like you?
A: Whenever you're having a bath, it decides to fetch electric appliances.

Q: What do sled dogs play with to amuse themselves?
A: Their "Sony Sleigh Station".

What we say to sled dogs: "Mush! Hike! Gee! Haw!"
What they hear: "Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah!"

First sled dog in heaven: "For fourteen years I survived storms, fights with polar bears and wolves, falls into crevasses, plunges through the ice into the icy ocean..."
Second sled dog in heaven: "How did you get here?"
First sled dog in heaven: "When I was sleeping, my stupid owner ran over me with his snowmobile!"

Patient: "Doctor! I keep thinking I'm a sled dog!"
Doctor: "How long has this been going on?"
Patient: "Even since I was a pup."

Sled Dog Tip: You can't trust your dog to watch your lunch.

Q: Yiiii! There's something coming that's making an awful noise! It's got 22 eyes, 42 feet - and it looks all furry! What is it?
A: Hey, that's just Olayuk and his dog team!

Why is it... that when you blow in your dog's face, it gets mad - but when you take it for a ride in the truck, it sticks its head out the window?

The Final Word: "The more people I meet, the more I like my sled dogs."

Next

Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water? He set a new lap record.
Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? She had mittens.
What is the difference between a cat and a comma? One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.
What do you get when you cross a chick with an alley cat? A peeping tom.
Why don't cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
What is a cat's favourite song? Three Blind Mice.
What did the freshman computer science major say when he was told that the work stations had mice? Don't you have a cat?
What is a cat's way of keeping law & order? Claw Enforcement.
How did a cat take first prize at the bird show? He just jumped up to the cage, reached in, and took it.
Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court? For kitty littering.
Why did the litter of communist kittens become capitalists? Because they finally opened their eyes.
Why are cats better than babies? Because you only have to change a litter box once a day.
What is the name of the unauthorized autobiography of the cat? Hiss and Tell.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a cat? A big furry creature that purrs while it sits on your lap and squashes you.
What does a cat do when it gets mad? It has a hissy fit.
What do you call the cat that was caught by the police? The purrpatrator.
What happened when the cat went to the flea circus? He stole the whole show!
What is a cat's favourite colour? Purrrrrrrple!
Where does a cat go when it loses its tail? The retail store.
What does a cat like to eat on a hot day? A mice cream cone.
What do cats use to make coffee? A purrcolator.
What do you call a cat that has swallowed a duck? A duck filled fatty puss.
If lights run on electricity and cars run on gas, what do cats run on? Their paws.
Why is the cat so grouchy? Because he's in a bad mewd.
If there are ten cats on a boat and one jumps off, how many cats are left on the boat? None! They were copy cats.
Is it bad luck if a black cat follows you? That depends on whether you're a man or a mouse.
How does the cat get its own way? With friendly purrsuasion.
What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew.
What has more lives than a cat? A frog because it croaks every night.
What is a cat's favourite subject in school? HISStory.
What do cats like to eat for breakfast? Mice Krispies.
How do cats end a fight? They hiss and make up.
What's happening when you hear "woof... splat... meow... splat?" It's raining cats and dogs.
Why are cats such good singers? Because they're very mewsical.
What do you call newborn kittens who keep getting passed from owner to owner? Chain litter.
What is the cat's favourite magazine? Good Mousekeeping.
How many cats can you put into an empty box? Only one. After that, the box isn't empty.
Why do you always find the cat in the last place you look? Because you stop looking after you find it.
If a cat can jump five feet high, then why can't it jump through a three foot window? Because the window is closed.
What is a cat's favourite movie? "The Sound of Mewsic."
What does a cat that lives near the beach have in common with Christmas? Sandy Claws.
Where is one place that your cat can sit, but you can't? Your lap.
Why did the cat put oil on the mouse? Because it squeaked.
What side of the cat has the most fur? The OUT-side.
What is a cat's favourite car? The Catillac.
What kind of cat will keep your grass short? A Lawn Meower.
Why did the judge dismiss the entire jury made up of cats? Because each of them was guilty of purrjury.
What do you use to comb a cat? A catacomb.
Why did the cat run from the tree? Because it was afraid of the bark!
Why is it so hard for a leopard to hide? Because he's always spotted.

A lady approaches her priest and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say "Hi we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered!"

It is illegal for hens to lay eggs before 8 am and after 4 pm in Norfolk, Virginia.

Ducks quacking after 10 pm in Essex Falls, New Jersey are breaking the law.

In Quitman, Georgia, it is against the law for a chicken to cross any road within the city limits.

In McDonald, Ohio, farmers cannot march a goose down a city street. And fowl, particularly roosters, are prohibited from going into bakeries in Massachusetts.

In Kansas, it is illegal for chicken thieves to work during daylight hours.

In New York, frogs may be taken from their ponds from June 16 to September 30, but only between sunrise and sunset.

In Pennsylvania, no one is allowed to shoot bullfrogs on a Sunday.

In Arizona, the bullfrog-hunting season is permanently closed.

In Vermont, you can be fined if your pig runs in a public park without the permission of a selectman.

French Lick Springs, Indiana, once passed a law requiring all black cats to wear bells on Friday the 13th.

Madison, Wisconsin, will not allow joint custody of a family pet when a couple divorces - the animal is legally awarded to whoever happens to have possession of it at the time of the initial separation.

Dogs in Foxpoint, Wisconsin, may not bark profusely, snarl, or make any menacing gestures.

In Texas, it's illegal to put graffiti on someone else's cow.

It is illegal to ride a mule down Lang, Kansas' Main Street in August, unless the animal is wearing a straw hat.

Over in Berea, Kentucky and also in Willamantic, Connecticut, horses are not allowed out on the streets and highways at night unless the animal has a "bright" red taillight securely attached to its rump.

Horses may not wear cowbells inside the city limits of Tahoe City, California.

In Washington, though, every cow wandering the streets of Seattle must be wearing a cowbell.

In Burns, Oregon, horses are allowed in the town's taverns, if an admission fee is paid before they enter.

You can't blow your nose in public places in Leahy, Washington, because it might scare a horse and cause it to panic.

In Wanassa, New Jersey, a dog is breaking the law if it is heard to be "crying."