I want to try and make this a weekly entry, probably on Sundays. Please do send your own pet jokes along. Thanks To Vickie C., for the inspiration of instilling some humor into this blog.

A good chess player
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess
with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly
believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three
games out of five."

Steven Wright on dogs
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge. Some
people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I had a dog once. I spilled spot remover on him, and now he's gone.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on
them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...
"Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me
and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd.

A cat's dictionary
Purring: Sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness.

Purrverse: Poem about a strange kitty.

Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something.

Human being: Automatic door opener for cats.

Purrpetual: Everlasting love for domesticated felines.

Purrson: A male kitty.

Purrpetual motion: A kitty playing.

The cat's chalkboard assignments
In order to punish your cat for poor behavior, here are a list of items
that the cat may write on a chalkboard. A. Fill in the blanks

1. [xxx] is not food.
Dental floss, plants, Kleenex, toilet paper, human's homework, photographs,
shoes, sweaters, socks, the couch, electrical cords/devices, phone cord,
vases of flowers, my poop, electric wiring, the rubber fish toy my human
drags around for me to play with; rubber bands; Mom's toe; the HUGE fly;
used Q-tips; the other cat's vomited food.

2. I will not jump on the [xxx].
kitchen counter, table, stove, barbecue, my human's full bladder at 5:30
A.M., bed at night, TV, bed from the top of the wardrobe at night.

3. I will not sharpen my claws on the [xxx].
sofa, carpet, drapes, my human's leg, my human's boss's leg, the new
speakers, wallpaper, window screen, car tires.

4. I will not pee/poop/barf a hairball on the [xxx].
floor, carpet, sofa, clean laundry, sleeping human, human's tax return, the
tax auditor, TV, baby's mattress, kitchen counter, dining room table, big
people's shoes, bathtub, my Dad's collection of (expensive) Nazi daggers,
marble floor (acid vomit+marble=etched marble).

5. I will not climb the [xxx].
Screen, bulletin board, speaker, curtains, redwood trees, walls, lampposts.

6. I will not dunk [xxx] into my water dish.
Tissues, my toy mouse, the house plants, half-digested food

7. I will not hide [xxx].
Pens, curlers, or house keys under the carpet.

8. I recognize that the [xxx] has a right to exist.
Belt, fringe on the bathroom rug, fuzzy toilet seat, house plant, human's
toes, baby, human, blue jays outside, teddy bear

9. [xxx] is not cat food.
Chocolate, bananas, pizza, any human food, tea

10. [xxx] is not a bed.
The stove, the pot (not hot) on the stove, sink, the crystal bowl from the
people's wedding, piano strings, Mommy's sock drawer, the inside of the
antique radio, the car, the electric organ, the computer keyboard.

11. [xxx] is not prey/a toy.
The paper coming from the printer; the newspaper; Mummy; open milk cartons;
toilet paper; pantyhose; paper clips; human's toes; my human's penis (see
"Robin Williams, Live at the Met"); Christmas tree ornaments; the produce
ripening on the kitchen counter; Q-tips; Black Widow spiders; any food,
whether wrapped in something or not; the sheets; the computer mouse; Mommy's
snow white lace garter from her wedding with the beautiful tasty maribou
feathers on it;

12. I will not try to climb into the [xxx].
Freezer, refrigerator, washing machine, dryer, dishwasher, garage.

BH
Ocean Omega Promoting Good Health In ALL Pets!
www.oceanomega.com