In case you’re wondering, this blog is not about “take your child to work day”. Rather, it’s about the fact that many people assume the same role at work as they did in their families of origin and that can cause a lot of problems.

Take for example, the case of David (not the real name, but an actual client of mine). As the oldest in his family, he was a “take charge” individual, very responsible, and a high achiever. One could say his characteristics were typical of his family birth order.

At 48, David was a manager in a medium-sized firm and came to see me to sort out whether he should change jobs, his employer or both. After a couple of sessions, it became clear why David was so frustrated and had reached a limit around his work. Even though there were interesting projects and possibilities associated with his job, David was not able to pursue them because he was always stepping in for his subordinates when they did not follow through on tasks. Consistent with his childhood role of being overly responsible, David often assumed more than his share of the workload. After many years, this behavior was taking a toll on his attitude and energy. While his role as rescuer was familiar and even expected by his subordinates, it was no longer working for him.

There was another factor that made it difficult for David to simply change his management style and set appropriate limits to hold people accountable. Growing up, David’s family life was stressful because of his father’s erratic, violent outbursts. Being very responsible gave him a sense of being in control and sometimes kept the lid on his father’s anger. In his family, David’s behavior was a way of surviving in a difficult environment. In the workplace, it was misplaced and not necessary. Dr. Janet Woititz, author of "Home Away From Home, The Art of Self-Sabotage", writes about the phenomenon of adults from “families that have difficulty functioning and communicating in emotionally healthy ways” and the difficulties they face when they transfer their histories to the workplace.

It is said, “awareness is the first step to change”. As David began to understand the intricacies of his work dilemma, he was able to sort out which issues related to the job, and which ones were based in old family dynamics. From a clearer perspective, he could more accurately see his options and make appropriate work-related decisions.